Don't Ask
by Tobi-Is-Fluffy-Chan
Summary: "Some questions are better left unanswered..." Intended for Humor purposes only. Crack fic
1. Emmett

This idea came to me on a ride home and I couldn't help but play around with it.

Humor rating, possibly parody. Intended for humor purposes only, so if something is said, don't get offended.

Chapters will range from 200-1k, longer if necessary.

This is a series of chapters involving Twilight characters and questions you should _**NEVER**_ ask them.

Disclaimers: Twilight is not mine.

* * *

Chapter 1: Emmett Cullen

It was a normal day in the lush Cullen household. You and the rest of your family/coven of vampires were sitting in the den area, doing miscellaneous things.

Alice buying _more_ designer clothes online. Bella with a permanent frown engraved in the features of her face because half of the clothes were for her. Rosalie staring into her non-existent reflection in the mirror, telling herself how beautiful she was. Carlisle reading about doctor stuff, Esme doing mother stuff and lastly, the Cullen boys playing a heated game of online GTA V, with Jasper hacking the system so that weird mods were allowed: mods of an Edward-replica... except he wore heart boxers and had green dreads.

But there was also _you_.

The average human often wondering how exactly you got your ass _in_ with these beautiful, sparkling beings.

"Hey, Em'?" You called out to the brawny vampire.

"Yeah, what's up? Make it quick―I'm trying to fire Eddie-boy's sparkly ass up with this flamethrower―stop moving!"

Snickering, Edward rolled his eyes, retorting, "I think the reason they make controllers for these game systems... is to give the player free-will to move wherever they please, _Emmett_."

"Suck a dic―"

"Esme won't like hearing that, Emmett..." Alice cut him off in a warning tone, her eyes never leaving the endless catalog of clothing displayed on her iPad screen.

A downside to befriending the Cullens... they were easily distracted.

With a heavy sigh, you say, "Anyways... what I was thinking was for your 123rd birthday... how about a bear―"

Everyone suddenly froze as you looked around, confusion on your face.

"What?" You asked, looking around to meet the different colored topaz eyes―oh, shit. Emmett was glaring and he looked like he was about to snap―Edward immediately went to restrain him, as did Jasper and Carlisle. Hell, even Bella had to step forward using her newborn strength. "What did I say?"

Esme frowned, walking gracefully over to you. "Sweetie," she chimed, her voice so sweet and comforting. "I think it's time you knew." She took the piece of paper Alice suddenly produced in her hands and handed it to you. "Things you must never mention or ask to Emmett."

Your eyes rake over the list... written on a napkin in sloppy handwriting. No doubt belonging to the _**bear**_ of a man you managed to upset before you could even finish your sentence.

Things not to ask Emmett Cullen 

_**Don't ask him why is he so buff.**_

 _No, he doesn't take steroids._

 _ **Don't ask him where he hides the steroids either.**_

 _Because he don't got none._

 _ **Also, please do not ask why he is so big.**_

 _He'll assume the questions relates to his mini-me downstairs and Rosalie will chew your ear off―literally._

 _ **Never ask**_ _ **what dat mouth do**_

 _Because he'll show you ... and as much as most consider Emmett adorable and attractive... his mouth and the wonders it can do, won't be the same._

 _ **Don't mention bears.**_

 _Come on now. This is obvious._

 _ **Don't ask him why he rips the heads off of Mr. Cuddlekins, the teddy bear and has Alice restock them each day.**_

 _Because you'll have a ripped head, too._

Meanwhile, as you read the list, Emmett's still snapping.

 _ **For the sake of all that is living... do not ask the man to arm wrestle**_

 _Should he lose... which he won't... He'll never live it down and will challenge you until the end of time or at least until you fake losing, even if you know you're not going to._

 _ **And don't ask to bear wrestle either.**_

 _Again. Bears. Off limits._

 _ **Oh, and don't call him a bear.**_

 _He's not hairy and hates the association._

 _ **Please don't talk about nakedness.**_

 _Unless you want him to be butterballed naked. Because be will._

 _ **Don't let Rosalie hear you asking that either.**_

 _If you value life._

 _ **Also, refrain from teasing him of his conquests.**_

 _He'll tease you right back. In front of your parents. Just ask Bella. He did it when Charlie came over._

 _ **And lastly, if you enjoy innocence...**_

 _No sex talk. Ever. Ever. Ever. You'll hear about his sex life as if they were bedtime stories. Detailed bedtime stories. Like on The Princess Bride type of detail where you get a movie with the story. Seriously. Disturbing._

By the time you finished reading the list upside down, around and about just to see every word... you had a crook in your neck. And was confused more than ever.

"And here I was just going to say... for his 123rd birthday... could he choose a more _bearable_ theme. Last year's theme of Moulin Rouge was too much... and Rosalie almost killed all the models, too." ― "Geez. Didn't know I'd get an entire list of things not to say."

A/N:

Did I at least get a smile from this?

Next chapter will be maybe Jasper... any requests?

I had fun writing this.

Any questions or things you should **never** mention to Emmett? Let me know!

You all know what to do! And also, check out my other stories, please :)

Thanks For Reading!

Kumi-Chan/Tobi-Is-Fluffy-Chan


	2. Jasper

**This is a crack-fic. You've been warned.**

 **Disclaimers: Twilight is not mine.**

* * *

"... so we avoid that whole fiasco again..." you say, eyeing Emmett suspiciously. "Why don't you all write down lists of things I should never ask or mention?"

"That's a fantastic idea." Edward muses, his family of vampires murmuring in agreement.

"Okay, then I'll leave you all to it―" suddenly, the honey-blonde named Jasper steps forward with a slip of paper in his hands.

"Here you go, ma'am."

 _Damn that was fast._ You think to yourself, gulping at Jasper's beady, butterscotch-colored eyes. With a sigh, you look down at his neat calligraphy of a handwriting and begin to read:

Things to N-E-V-E-R ask Jasper Whitlock-Hale (Major included)

 _ **He's not a cowboy.**_

 _While it may be cute to say, do not ever call him that in vain. Unless you like having shins._

 _ **No hats.**_

 _Baseball caps and snapback are cool. But those ten-gallon hats... go away. Or he'll kill you._

 _Seriously, don't ask him_ _ **what dat mouth do.**_

 _It's customary to never ask a vampire that. Come on._

 _Regarding the scars..._ _ **NO HE DID NOT GET THEM SEXUALLY.**_

 _You value life, right?_

 _ **And they weren't self-inflicted, either.**_

 _Seriously. Do not mention or ask that._

 _ **Don't taunt him.**_

 _Major won't like that._

 _ **Don't wiggle your fingers as if you were waiting to draw your gun like the old western folk.**_

 _Major will see that as a challenge and kick―ass._

 _ **Don't ask if Alice buys his clothes.**_

 _Major_ _ **and**_ _Jasper can dress themselves._

 _ **Never wear a cowboy hat in a goofy fashion. Or offer him cheese. Or screech like a chimpanzee.**_

 _While he did enjoy that_ _ **Spongebob**_ _episode with the campfire-song-song, he hates the reference and will drink you dry if you do that._

 _ **Also, never mention the slip at the birthday party for Bella.**_

 _It still embarrasses him to this day even if it wasn't his fault._

 _ **Never ever ask why he left Maria. Or what happened to her.**_

 _She was a hoe._

 _ **Don't ask him to prank call Peter.**_

 _He needs him watching out for danger on the clock._

 _ **Don't ask him did he enjoy killing.**_

 _Seriously. What kind of question is that and just why?!_

 _ **Don't picture him naked.**_

 _He can feel your raging hormones._

 _ **Don't ask him to feed you lust either.**_

 _He'll do it but make you lust for something like... a cactus or pinecones._

 _ **Don't ask him to eradicate your enemy.**_

 _Major will come out and will probably eradicate your ass, too. Just for the hell of it._

 _Don't ask him_ _ **where's the major?**_

 _Unless you value life._

 _ **Don't eat cheeseburgers―particularly Big Mac's―around Jasper**_

 _Ever since_ _ **Vampires Suck**_ _hit the theaters years ago and_ _ **their**_ Jeremiah _saw_ Becca _as a Big Mac... he's craved them. And will have them._

 _ **Please don't ask him if Bella is smoking hot as a vampire.**_

 _... Alice can be deadly._

 _ **Seriously, don't even mention J/B when the pixie is within a 10,000,000 mile radius.**_

 _Actually, as much as he appreciates the beauty of that pairing, don't do it._ _ **Ever**_ _. Alice can see the future, remember?_

 _And lastly, lastly, lastly:_ _don't you dare say_ _ **"here Major, Major, Major... Come out, come out, where ever you areeeee~"**_

 _Once doing that, you will spawn an unstoppable mode of transportation in a blood-lusting-drinking-bathing-in vampire that will not stop until he finds you. He doesn't have a motive and there is not code or ransom that will stop him from getting what he wants. Your blood. Your soul. So just remember. When you activate Major by saying that simple phrase which seems like a catchy metal-rock song lyric... he vows that he will find you. And he will kill you._

 _P.S: Jasper never watched_ _ **Taken**_ _._

You reading finished the list and then fainted.

On the floor.

 **A/N:**

 **So who's next?**

 **Thanks For Reading!**

 **Kumi-Chan/Tobi-Is-Fluffy-Chan**


	3. Edward

Hello all, it's been a while since I took this up again because I was focused on life and more of my bigger _Twilight_ stories. This came to mind though and I figure for now when I have writer's block for the others, I'll turn to this to get my creativity jumping!

Now, onto _Don't Ask_ , Edward!

* * *

You sigh to yourself before turning to the bronze haired vampire in his signature shiny Volvo, dropping you off to school, Forks High.

I know right? You were capable of driving yourself but the Cullen insisted. It's been _years_ , man. Years since he's done this and when another human such as _yourself_ comes along, he decides to kick into his protective instincts and drive you to school even though you were nowhere near clumsy like his vampire wife and had a car of your own.

 _Whatever_ , you think to yourself deciding to make the drive not as annoying as it was.

"So, _Eddie_ ," you start, in that voice you get when you want something. He turns to you, crooked smile in tow. He already knew your damn thoughts, that sneaky bastard.

"If you want to know what not to ask me, I won't be tedious and make a list like Jazz and Em' has already done." He informs you. "I'll just _tell_ you myself."

 _Oh, goodie_. You sarcastically think to yourself, to which he ignores your mental sarcasm, turns the radio completely off and begins in a musical tone, "Things not to ask _I_ , **Edward Masen Cullen-Swan**." He smiles his signature crooked grin and cruises his Volvo to a smooth 35 miles per hour and begins.

"Don't ask me _**what my mouth does**_ **.** " He sighs. "I swear, all of the girls, even some _guys_ always thought that when I went to Forks and paraded around as a teen. I didn't even know what that meant, let alone understood the nature of the question before getting a glimpse into Bella's human friend, _Jessica Stanley_."

"And no, _**if Bella hadn't come along, I wouldn't have went for her. Don't ask me that. Ever**_."

"The nature of what went down to make her say I wasn't interested in anyone during the first book…" he shuddered.

" _ **Don't ask me if I just broke the fourth wall.**_ I'm the star. I can read minds."

" _ **Do not ask what products I use for my hair.**_ It's a secret… let me at least be surrounded in the mystery that everyone seems to think I am."

" _ **Don't ask me if I ever heard of a comb**_ , _**either**_." _Have you?_ You think to which he rolls his eyes and huffs irritably. "Yes, I have, for your information. I just… _**do NOT ask me stuff that I just told you not to ask!**_ "

" _ **Do not ask me how it feels to be thirsty and to have found my singer**_."

" _ **Do NOT and I mean do NOT ask me why I act so emo.**_ " he huffed before you could even think your thoughts and continue, " _ **And no it wasn't and still isn't a phase.**_ "

" _ **Please no autographs. Or fan girls. Or Team Edward VS Team Jacob mess that the world started a while back.**_ ", he frowned like he was recalling some bad memories.

 _Like how your counterpart for Vampires Suck, Edward Sullen,_ you pause to snicker, oh, how it was so hilarious to you to see how they spoofed even his name too, _got tomahawked with a spiked bat by a Team Jacob fan girl?_

He frowned and you laughed, rethinking the memory of watching the parody movie.

"That's another thing.", his grip on the leather steering wheel tightened. " _**do not ask me to watch parody movies on movie night.**_ I do not find making fun of another man's work to be hilarious."

"Yes, I love my Volvo. _**Do not ask me why it was chosen as my signature car.**_ "

" _ **I do not recall why exactly I contacted the Spanish influenza which led to my death and becoming of a vampire. Do not ask why or how.**_ I liked to get dirty and be out as a little boy."

" _ **Do not ask if I ever got around to replacing the headboard of the bed… at Isle Esme**_ …"

" _ **Do not ask for details about my**_ **previous** _ **sex life**_ _ **before**_ _ **Bella.**_ " _Because you were_ _ **such**_ _a virgin,_ you sarcastically remark in your head, while he ignores you once more and continues on, " _ **No questions about Tanya, please.**_ "

" _ **No mind tricks. Ever**_. It's rather tiresome to hear people play out equations in their head. Imagine being in a room with a group of people all thinking some complex situation in their head at the same damn time and it's coming at you."

" _ **No, I do not receive calls from Aro every night.**_

 _ **No I would not join the Volturi.**_

 _ **No, I do not find Jane to be… fearsome.**_ Even though she cripples me with her amazingly terrifying… gift." he said in one breath. "Granted I did ask for death, but _**do not ask if I was overdramatic**_ …"

"Please, _**do not ask me when I will start calling Jacob my son... Neither when I will claim him.**_ " — " _ **Why don't you ask Nessie if they are**_ _ **active**_ _ **…**_ "

"Maybe in another life I would be with the she-wolf, Leah. _ **So do not mention the pairing to me, please.**_ "

" _ **Was I really going to give Bella up to Jacob in Eclipse?**_ Who knows _ **. Don't ask."**_

By the time he paused to take his first unnecessary breath since he started talking, you realized you were late to school, it was lunch time and he still had more to say!

You wanted to bang your head against the window of his Volvo as he began, "You'll break the glass and stain it with your tempting blood. _**Don't do that**_." — " _ **And another thing not to ask or do**_ . . ."

* * *

A/N:

Eddie's was a little longer and different than the previous due to his complexity. Managed to make you smile with my wittiness or just idiocy? Ugh, so much I didn't cover or even mention, so be may have a part 2 one day…

Up next:

She already saw it coming. Alice.

P.S: check out my other Twilight stories! _Shoebox Memories, Something New, Age, Jasper's Dawn, Same As Me_...


	4. Alice

**Writer's block.**

 **This is a crack fic. You've been warned.**

* * *

It's funny.

Because she seen this happen since the beginning.

It was your very first day at Forks High School before all the vampires and shifters and almost-war with the Volturi.

You were new in Forks called the wettest place on earth- no pun intended - and you weren't even looking forward to it. But it took just one slight glance at the family:

the family with the constipated honey blonde who looked at you like you were a _Big Mac_ , the Mac Daddy looking pimp with dimples who looked like he ate steroids for breakfast-snack-lunch-snack-dinner-midnight snack, the YOU CAN BE WHO YOU WANNA' BE BARBIE GIRL looking skank who glared at you like you just slept with her man ( _maybe she was jealous and you hadn't even met her man, if she had one,_ _ **yet**_ _..._ ) and the auburn haired guy that looked like a _Dior_ male model who had bursting out laughing like he had just heard the most funniest joke ever in his life...

It's all it took. Even though they strangely looked similar with the same eyes and same skin and same beautiful-ness -ness, it was all it took for you to decide school was going to be interesting.

As you entered the cafeteria for horrible school food that should be considered punishment, this pixie looking fairy perky chick approached you.

With a million dollar smile, she chimed in a sing-song tone, "Hi! I'm Alice!" She hugs you, "We're going to be such great friends and _**don't ask me how I know that**_!"

"In fact, let's take a walk away from _prying ears_ so I can tell you all the _things not to ask, I, Alice Cullen_!"

You didn't know what the hell was going on or what she was talking about but she was so darn cute with her ballerina shoes and her short self and dazzling smile, so you let her hold your hand and nearly freeze it to death, as she explained all the things not to ask her:

I probably own like a dozen pair of shoes. Or was it five dozen? You know what, _**don't ask me how many pairs of shoes I own!**_ Too much counting!

 **Do not ask me what's my favorite pair, either!** It'll take me a decade to figure out.

Yes, I can see the future sort of... _**don't ask me if I can see what you're going to ask next!**_ Your little mind is buzzing as I speak and at this very instant you are changing your mind like crazy!

 _ **Do not ask about the sadistic vampire named James.**_ _We may have had a past but it's done now._

 _ **Do not ask me right now who exactly is James...**_ _he's been dealt with._

 _ **Do not ask me what do you mean he's been "dealt" with?**_ _Because he died a horrible death._

 _ **Do not ask me if he was murdered.**_.. _if you read the 1st book, you'd know._

 _ **Do not ask me what book am I talking about.**_ _Read_.

 _ **Do not ask me if I found James to be attractive.**_ _He made me what I am._

 _ **Do not ask me if I have a thing for blondes considering both Jasper and James are blonde**_... _it's something I've just come to notice. Honest!_

 _ **Do not ask me if I have a thing for guys with first names starting with the letter J...**_ _No comment._

 _Hello, he's my brother!_ _ **Do not ask me anything romantic about Edward. Ever!**_

 _ **Do not ask me if we went behind Bella's back...**_

 _And did what?_ _ **Come on, don't ask!**_

 _ **Do not EVER ask me if we participate in sibling incest...**_ _yes, I know people write about it but come on, it's from the fans!_

 _ **Do not ask me if I love the fans...**_ _I allow hem to write about me don't I?_

Alice took a deep breath and led you out the double doors leading to the parking lot of the school.

"So, as you can see, we Cullens pride ourselves on being fancy. I own an Aston Martin, Emmett owns a Hummer, Rosalie owns a cherry red Lamborghini, Jasper a Harley, and Edward a Volvo!" _**Don't laugh at my brother like that... and don't ask me why he chose a Volvo if we have so much money.**_

 _ **Don't ask me how much money either...**_ _it's too much to count._

 _ **Don't ask me if I hate counting**_. _Obviously I do._

 _ **Do not ask me what my monthly allowance is...**_ _what_ _ **is**_ _an allowance, anyways?_

 _ **Don't ask me my credit score either.**_ _That's personal._

 _ **Don't ask me how much credit cards I own.**_ _Probably four. Hundred._

 _ **Don't ask me who I think dresses better.**_ Alice cleaned her throat, _**me**_.

 _ **Don't ask me why I tried to change Bella throughout the series**_. _I had my reasons and no, not_ _ **change**_ _as in_ _ **change her**_ _but_ _ **change**_ _her. She had the most horrible fashion sense..._

 _ **Don't ask me who spoiled Nessie more either.**_ _I love my little half breed niece._

 _ **Do not ask me about my sex life.**_

 _ **Do not ask me if Jasper harms me since he seems like he has PTSD.**_

 **Do not, and I repeat do not...** _okay, well what the hey!_ _Go ahead and_ _ **ask me what dat mouth do.**_ _I'll show you._

 _ **Do not ask me if I swing that way.**_ _I'll show you better than I can tell you!_

 _ **Do not ask me if I'm a lowkey freak. Or if I'm kinky.**_ _(Why do you think Aro wanted me, duh!)_

By the time you came to from Alice's long and botched list of things not to ask... you realized you are in the forest. Outside of school. Alone. With Alice. Who was smiling at you.

You looked around and opened your mouth to speak but she beat you to it. "By the way, _**don't ask me what we're doing here.**_ " - "We're going to be great friends and my family and I are a bunch of vampires."

You were about to comment on the friend thing but something else she said caught you off guard.

"Yes, vampires are real." Alice chimed as if it were nothing. "And you're going to faint in... _one, two, thre_ e..."

You fainted.

* * *

 **Alice's list was a bit botched to me. True writer's block. Probably not even funny but more so repetitive and more questions that I'd actually consider asking the vamp myself.**

 **Writers block. It's what it does to you.**

She'll probably bake you a pie and let you have your cake too. Esme is next.

P.S, I promise I'm working on my other stories. It takes time. Years. Lol.


End file.
